I Ever Tell You How I Got This Tiny Scar?

If you’ve seen my face at any point since 10 this morning, get off my lawn you pervert. But since you’re probably curious, yes, that is a fresh red mark on the upper point of my left cheek. It’s a burn. And the story of how I got it involves wax, wind, fire, and water. And poop, but barely.

Wax

Never let it be said that my poop don’t stink. As a considerate pooper, I keep a candle and box of matches in each bathroom. This morning, I had to use it.

I probably should have thrown this candle away by now. The wick long ago burnt out, so I just lay a lit match in the wax and left it. Sometimes the match burnt out quickly. Sometimes it caught fire and acted as a pseudo wick.

This time, it acted as a pseudo wick. Along with every unburnt match in the wax. Soon I had a cup of fireball in my bathroom, feeding off what ended up being enough wax to sustain it for a while.

Wind

I tried to blow out the flame. It laughed at me. So I took a deep breath, sucking up a lungful of perfumed smoke. Not great for my lingering bronchitis. I took a deep breath, angled away from the candle, blew, quickly turned away from the candle for another deep breath, then blew again.

Fire

I felt like I was on the defensive in a boxing match against the candle, sticking and moving but not landing any effective blows.

I didn’t want to leave it to burn out, because the glass might shatter and the fire spread.

I didn’t know if I could touch it to get it someplace safe without burning myself. Especially with exploding glass still a possibility.

I needed to throw an uppercut.

Deepest breath.

Strongest blow.

The fire went out.

The pool of wet, hot wax splashed out of the glass and sprayed me in the face.

Water

Luckily this bathroom had a shower in it. I got right in and sprayed my face with cool water. Not cold, I’m not a sadist. But cold enough to cool the wave and soothe my face.

I picked off a couple of chunks. Part of me thinks I still have a piece stuck to my eyelid, but mirrors disagree. Not sure if it’s a small burn or a phantom pain.

Otherwise, I’m fine. Just another “Only you” moment I get to add to the list. The long, long list.